When Mulder Met Scully
by christmasinacup
Summary: She finds him just a bit too smug and decides to put him in his place. In a crowded diner. Inspired by a certain classic rom-com.


I collaborated on this concept with a friend because "When Harry Met Sally" is just such an MSR movie. I imagine this is during season 1, maybe halfway through, once they've gotten a bit comfortable with each other but still annoy each other sometimes. Scully has a bit of Sally's sass and Mulder is less good at keeping his cool than Harry is. I took the dialogue basically word for word from a certain scene ;) I might do more WHMS scenes but with MSR - feel free to leave suggestions/ideas!

* * *

It's been four days and surprise, surprise – no evidence of the supernatural. Despite the autopsy results and eyewitness reports, Mulder refuses to believe that freak motorcycle accidents can happen on a perfectly clear day. He's interviewed everyone and their mother a hundred times, dug through his old files and made Scully drive three hours north with him to visit the crime scene _eight times._

He can tell she wants to kill him, so he offers to buy her dinner at a place on the side of the highway. They have two more hours until they get back to D.C. and it's getting late. Besides, they're both grumpy and could use some food. But of course, small talk turns into him saying something wrong.

"Scully, I'm saying that _yes_ , I do date. I just don't like commitment."

She narrows her eyes, tucking a lock of red hair behind her pearl-adorned ear.

"You mean you never call them after and you leave the second you wake up."

His face turns a bit pink. "Um, yes. I say I have an early meeting, an early haircut, and early squash game…"

Scully cuts him off. "Mulder, you don't play squash."

"You don't know that," he says, taking a sip of water. She raises an eyebrow. "Okay, fine, I don't."

"That's disgusting," Scully mumbles, picking up her sandwich and taking a bite.

"I feel terrible," Mulder says dryly, stuffing fries in his mouth.

"You know, I'm so glad we didn't get involved after that first case. I just would've ended up being some woman you had to get up out of bed and leave at 3 o'clock in the morning. Instead I'm your almost equal partner for cases that are 85% wild alien chases," she huffed.

"Why are you getting so upset about this? It's not about you." He looks truly confused now. Almost more confused than Scully looks whenever he talks about aliens.

"Yes it is. You are a human affront to all women and I am a woman," she says, taking a big bite for emphasis. She stares him down as she chews.

"Hey, I don't feel great about this, but I don't hear anyone complaining," he says matter-of-factly, sipping his Coke.

"Of course not, you're out the door too fast."

"Well, I think I have an okay time."

Scully gives him that look and he knows she is about to lay into him. He's only known her for a few months, but he knows that look all too well.

"How do you know?"

"What do you mean, how do I know? I know," he says, shrugging. He rolls his sleeves up and yawns.

"Because they…," Scully gestures, moving her hands in circles but not doing anything inappropriate. They are in public, after all.

"Yes, because they…" Mulder mimics her gesture.

"Well how do you know that they really are?," she asks smugly.

"What are you saying?," Mulder asks, waving his hands about in random gestures. He almost hits a waiter walking behind him. "Are you saying they fake orgasm?"

"It's possible."

"Get outta here!" Mulder scoffs, then takes a bite of his sandwich. Scully smirks, sensing his discomfort.

"Most women at one time or another have faked it."

"Well, not with me."

"How do you know?" She's settling in now, waiting for him to say something stupid. He always does eventually.

"Because I know."

She nods and sits back in her chair. Her eyes have a mischievous glint in them, one Mulder rarely sees.

"Oh. That's right, I forgot. You're a man."

He's exasperated now. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She sighs. "Nothing. It's just that most men are sure it never happens to them and most women at one time or another have done it, so you do the math." She takes a triumphant sip of water.

"You don't think that I can tell the difference?"

She shakes her head. "Nope."

"Get outta here."

He sees the gears shifting in her head and her eyes dart around the room. Then, all of a sudden, her face changes. It's softer and her eyes get darker. Just a little, but enough for him to notice.

"Ohh, oh… Oooh," she breathes, her voice huskier than normal. Her breathing is heavy and for a moment he's worried something is wrong with her. But then she closes her eyes and starts to run her hand through her hair, letting out short pants and subtle noises.

"Ohh God… ohh… Oh, oh, oh…" Her hand travels down her neck, resting on her exposed collarbone and almost dipping past the collar of her black blouse, then it goes back up to get tangled in her hair. She bites her lip and Mulder starts to feel very warm.

Scully bends her head back and continues, her voice at a normal level: "Oh god, oh yes… yeah, right there… Oh, ooh…"

Her voice starts to escalate and Mulder's heart rate hurries to catch up to it.

"Oh, oooh… Oh my… Oh God… yes, yes…"

People are staring now, turning around in their seats. He sees them in his periphery, but can't take his eyes off his partner, who appears to be faking an orgasm in a crowded diner. Petite, in her gray pantsuit, moaning.

"Yes, yes, yes, YES, YES," Scully moans, pounding her fist down on the table. Her knife rattles and slides off the table onto the floor.

"Ohhh yes, yes, YES, ohhhh yes, yes, YESS…" she grips the edges of the table and leans her head back, yelling louder. Everyone is staring at them now. Mulder still isn't sure if he cares.

"Ohh YES, YES, YES, YESSSSS… oh, oh god," she murmurs, slowly opening her eyes and running a hand through her hair. She lets out one more, quieter "Ohhh" and then picks her sandwich back up and takes another bite.

Mulder stares at her, dumbstruck, and she smiles. It's an innocent "What? Who, me?" smile even though the sounds she was making moments ago are far from innocent.

He realizes his jaw is practically on the floor and closes his mouth, licking his lips and fidgeting in his chair.

"Scully?"

"Yes, Mulder?" She gives him another innocent look, like he just asked her if she wants to get coffee before they go back to the office.

"I…. nothing," he trails off and waits as long as he can before excusing himself to the restroom. On his way back, he passes a woman in her early 60s, who nods towards Scully and says, "I'll have what she's having."

 _Holy shit._


End file.
